From the age of 3, I knew something in the house was different. Something wasn’t right, something was missing. At the age of 6, I figured it out. My father was no where in sight. I asked my mom, and all she gave me was ” you don’t need to know, it doesn’t matter now.” At age 8, she finally told me I was donor conceived. 

It didn’t hit me until 6th grade. The numb feeling. Every time I saw a child with their dad, I went numb instantly. I couldn’t move. I just stared, as if I was watching a movie and I couldn’t press pause. I began to wonder what donor conceiving meant, and started researching almost every time I could. 

From 6th grade to now-2015, I have tried so hard to let all emotions go when it comes to my dad. When it comes to being the only other person in the house other than my mom. It was like I had to be the dad. Be the more mature one. I had no brothers or sisters, and it was so hard to keep sane when all I wanted was to scream out “tell me who my dad is. Just tell me something so I don’t go crazy! WHO IS HE! Who AM I?!?!” The science project in middle school with all the heredity talk, I couldn’t do the project with half of a family tree. I didn’t have the guts or the pride to tell my teacher, I don’t know who my dad is. Back then, I thought I would be considered a freak for not. 

All my life, I’ve just wanted to know the simple answers. “Who am I? Why did my mom feel as if she had to PAY her way to having me? Why do I have a receipt?” and Most importantly…”Who is he? Does he have any of my features, likes, interests… anything? Am I anything like my daddy”? 

When I was 17, I asked my mom if she knew where I was from. Her reply? ” I don’t remember, and besides, it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to know.” My reply? “IM SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?”- we had a fight and are no longer talking. 

I’m 18 now. I’m about to graduate high school. Truth? I’m scared. I know I’m going to burst into tears as soon as the ceremony is over. Because everyone else will be hugging their parents- whether their adopted, have single/homo/straight parents, and I will be alone. Without my mom, or my dad. From the moment I realized my life was different, to now, all I am is a forgotten receipt, a paid for masturbation session, and alone. My father has most likely never thought about the decision he made. He probably used the money for college, or a loan or for rent. My dad has probably never thought about me, and is now sitting with his happy life; forgetting he ever went to the conceiving center. Worst of all, because he is anonymous, he probably never wanted me. So now,ag I am still alone. Whether I have my mom or not, I will still always feel alone and unwanted. And that is the worst feeling on this planet. 

However, with allllll of this negativity… comes a bright future. Because of my fathers decision, I am alive. I have a plan for my future, and I have a hope and a dream that maybe… just maybe… I will find my daddy. If it doesn’t turn out… fine, I will still be unwanted by him. But not by my friends, not by my husband. So just because I don’t have a dad, it will never mean I don’t love my life, or whats waiting in store.

Originally posted on Anonymous Us